To love or to leave…

by Keren

You have no idea of what it’s like to finally found someone whom you’ve thought to be the one and then they’re not ready.
Not ready to commit, not ready to put in work, not ready to be all in, not ready to dance to your tune, not ready to learn your love language.
By invalidating feelings, they’re the worst.
You feel rejected, not enough and like a fool for wanting more.
You feel like you want too much.
Imagine feeling that you’re not enough; yet, you know you are too much. Crazy right?
Yeah, you literally go crazy looking for what to feel.

You feel unappreciated, unwanted, invaluable, not worth fighting for and stupid for not being able to grasp their perspective.
It’s worse when God has given you a Word.
It’s a dilemma without an end.
You’re seeing the signs and asking questions you have no answers to.
Is it out of place that you want to feel wanted? Is it a selfish thought?
How much longer before it gets better?
What if it never does?
Where to go from here?
Seeking validation.
Wanting ‘to do’ to please and maybe change things.
But las las, the heart wants what it wants.

To stay or to leave?

Well, after many migraines and vigils, the state of the heart is severed, and an almost involuntary decision is made.
It’s not leaving or staying.
It’s taking a walk mentally while you’re there.
When my heart took a refreshing break by itself, life felt a lot better and revolved less about that one person.
It felt sweet to be independent of the thoughts of them; and be a free man again.
No intense desire, no guilt, no fear.
Knowing that you’ve been subconsciously ridded of the desire feels like sweet revenge.

May we find one whose heart beats for us as much as ours for them.

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