Thought to myself, many times, what the chances of a happy near-perfect family are.
Thought about finding that one person that’s willing to ride or die with me.
Thought about a father-figure for the kids.
Thought about a provider… of emotional, physical, financial and maybe spiritual needs for us because this combo is hard to find.
Thought about someone that’ll love a flawed girl like me (I once thought myself to be unlovable).
Thought about all the possible ‘fights’…lol…that might happen and how it’ll stir different emotions.
I lowered the standard a bit. Subconsciously. Explains why I’ve never been one to be attracted because of physical attributes or fineness, so to speak. In a bid to not raise the bar too high, I removed some features and trust physique to quickly leave the list. I had heard that you can grow to love anyone, lol…
Intellect would always matter to me. And spirituality? It didn’t make it to the list in time but it eventually overtook the former and topped the list… But it narrowed my options mercilessly. Apparently, I found that not many people in my generation have a genuine relationship with God. Not even church folks or pastor’s kids.
The phrase ‘conviction’ became my logo even though it sounded cliche to many. Maybe because I knew I wasn’t made for the ordinary but ‘the extraordinaire’ as I’d love to put it😃. This could only be borne out of a good relationship with the Father.
And search began, but I didn’t find any – not one.
I guess it’s because I shouldn’t be doing the searching.
I thought at a point that I’m undeserving of a man that knew his God and had his life in order simultaneously…because I thought I had a failed God due to a particular incidence. Or was I too young? Quite likely…
So I went on to tell every guy that came ‘NO’ because I had not heard from God. They’d ask, confused _ ‘how do you mean?”how did you hear God say no?”I’m a Christian oh’ ‘it’s all in your head”It’s cos you don’t like me enough.’ ‘You think I don’t have enough money.’
‘You want to be chased some more.’
‘You’re playing hard to get…’
Wasn’t very pleasant cos I started to seek for validation….
Was it so hard to understand that God isn’t leading me to you as you claimed?
One day, God reminded me of His promises, of how ‘the promise’ would come and I’d know without doubt that this is God at work. So I picked myself up from my confused state and reattached the word ‘conviction’ to my forehead unashamedly, embraced my singleness and rocked it! When next I had to say No, it was without fear of having lost a great potential or fear of being labelled. Anyone can say or do whatever, turn their back(s) against me, but until God explicitly gives me a go ahead, I became determined to remain single.
And God did it…